The Long Walk

Working is a great sin to my humanity. I should never work. Work kills my spirit. From the moment a person places my name on a schedule to be somewhere my stomach tightens. There I am, accountable and responsible, sweating and sad. 

I was fired from my sales job in 2017. I was given the “bad” news via phone on July 3rd. I was happy. I knew if I still had a job they’d have scheduled me for the 4th. I had a party to go to. The moment I was released from that call a weight was lifted from me. Finally I had free time. 

That feeling lasted for three weeks. Somehow in my infinite resourcefulness I had a job again. I still remember the first day, the bus ride downtown. For three weeks I had complete freedom. I stood on that bus in a deep depression. I was giving up one of my core values for the ability to eat, live and pay rent. 

Walking to the new job was killing my soul. I remember slowly merging with the Downtown Pittsburgh foot traffic wishing I would be swept away. I never wanted to work. Until that month I had no idea not working was an option. I remember standing in front of the big restaurant doors. Once I went inside my spirit was depleted. 

I had a depression walk just years earlier. I was walking late through Squirrel Hill. The long windy road that stretched its hands for a half a mile had no buildings to look at. Above and beside me were trees, dark and still, a compliment to the sparse amount of street lights. I knew exactly where I was going but I was still lost. 

The depression followed me all the way to... wherever I was walking to. At that time I was existing as a sales associate who made no sales. I was no older than 27, no younger than 25. I had more understanding of the wind than I had of myself. In the silence of the night and solitude of the walk there was nowhere to hide from my mind and all of its yearnings. 


Xpogo is the only gig I liked. Right now I should be practicing a welcome speech for a new gig I just got. This year I was not only given five months of complete freedom (thanks COVID) but also free money to float me. I was able to pay bills, buy food, expunge my personal debt and have unlimited free time. That period is ending though. The long walk continues.