11.14.19

In this hotel room in... Blountville, Tennessee I am laying on a bed. Russ is on the bed to my left and Tone on that WEAK Ass rollaway bed to my right. Tomorrow we finish the last half of the drive to Pittsburgh from Wetumpka, Alabama. That means going back to the many things I don't want to return to. In Pittsburgh my life sucks. On the road my life sucks less, that's even if it's a school tour throughout whogivesafuck, america.

I can feel dreds on my forehead and parts of my neck now. They've already started to make me believe someone was next to me. Now I think something foreign is on my temple, neck or forehead. Nope. Just dead hair freestyling into this mess-do. It'll help in the winter that's to come. From now on I'm riding the bus.

Back on the bus, back in the cold, back to the hibachi grill and back to being a nothing. It's to the point where I'm not sure exactly what I hate about my life. In 14 hours I'll be able to figure it out. We SKKRRRT back to Pittsburgh where I'll have no money, one somewhat day to chill out and then go back to work. Back to that.

I don't really see hope in my future. Former President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized today. He had a successful stay in an Atlanta hospital for his brain surgery. He survived two cancers in his 95 years prior to this. This is President Carter addressing his church family.

"I obviously prayed about it. I didn't ask God to let me live, but I asked God to give me a proper attitude toward death."

I just put my head down. I want to tap into that feeling. I want to be okay with being nobody. I want to be okay with the death of my dreams. I want to be okay with the idea that I can just have a job. Fuck hope. This hotel room might be the height of my...whatever this is. This fantasy world I keep trying to create.

Get paid to be me.

I have to be okay with the idea that I won't ever get paid for fame. I'm not funny enough to be a comedian. I'm never going to be an actor OR lol a model lol My perspective is cool... Nakama... I have to be okay with maybe just being a cool coworker. Yeah. 'Julian is a cool guy to hang around. I tell Julian everything. He's like my therapist. He's so funny. I love him blahblahblah' 

I want to be okay with that being my legacy. Get a paying job and be an introverted, wise, perverted, Master Splinter, King of the Rats ass nigga. $50K max but maybe I get extra time off every year. Maybe I can work 9-5 and do theater part time, fuck a stewardess. I can have nights and weekends free to do Big Brother, Big Sister things, see Hongching more. Gain management skills and increase my salary. Work my way into a corporate lifestyle that suits me. Wear tailored suits and go to nice events. Find a chair, hang myself in my apartment. 

Jimmy Carter isn't afraid of death anymore. Jimmy finished his above quote saying:

"And I found that I was absolutely and completely at ease with death."

I don't want to die but I certainly don't want to die like this. Jimmy Carter might be completely at ease with death. He did become a fucking president after all.