Starting Over

I feel like I’m at the beginning. Like I pressed a reset button. I’m back to zero and working towards one. At work whisking through aisles I become reminiscent. Well, why not? Everyone around me is 20 years old. Either they just left high school or are still in it. They'll all look back fondly one day at their time working at a grocery store. I’m just starting now. 

I live by myself. Finally! There’s something to boast about. Some of these kids still live at home or with their roommates. I can rub that in their face at least. They'll laugh at me snubbing them while I walk my ass to the T. I need all the mental edge I can get. I have to justify why we’re on the same level. 

In some weird magic eight ball scenario I envisioned this. After spending night after night in a T-Mobile store with seemingly no escape, my dreams died. The best I thought I could do was walk into a job and charm my way to the top. With my credentials I can do that at a grocery store. 

Literally, I was hired in a fire sale. Giant Eagle was giving away jobs. The company they commissioned to organize the sale even offered to pay us (still don’t know when that’s coming, hurrumph). Me and some nigga who left the state and came back 30 years later like witness protection were hired at the same time, no questions. I think I was asked “Did you fill out an application online,” and “What job do you want?”

As long as I didn’t molest kids I was in. My piss wasn’t even tested. I scribbled down jobs dating back to the Reagan era on a beer cooler just to get rejected by a distributor. All Giant Eagle wanted to know was “WHAT HOURS DO YOU WANT?” 


I’m a 34 year old, straight of out high school, genius baby. My knees and life experience project the 34 years and my resume shows that I lived in Pittsburgh. My life is running through aisles, talking to pretty teenagers, waking up early and doing just enough work to get by. I haven’t just gone backwards, I’ve started over.

Letter to 14 Year-Old Julian (April 17, 2020)

Dear 14 Year-Old Julian,


You’re fucked. I’m just kidding. Hi, this is your future self. I’m almost two decades older than you and a lot is going to happen, not just in your life but in the world around you.


None of that fucking matters though. You’re the GOAT. My bad, it’s 2000 or 2001 where you are. GOAT is an acronym for “Greatest of All Time” which is usually used by sports writers. You’re that. Those questions, those never-ending questions, they’ll be answered in time. All of those feelings, emotions and thoughts will make sense the more experience you get with yourself and the world. Trust me, you’ll be getting experience.


The world is about to change something fierce with the internet. Here’s an example. I’m typing this letter on a laptop computer. The laptop is connected to the internet and the world wide web has waaaay more sites than I could’ve imagined at your age.


About an hour ago I was able to download 40some pictures onto an online storage unit that I pay $10/month for called Dropbox. Those 40 or so pictures were downloaded within one minute. I can pull up videos from websites and have them look crispier than that “Matrix” DVD, all within seconds of thinking about it. These things are a far cry from mom’s computer with its slow ass music downloads.


Now, imagine everything that you can do with a computer. In the years to come you’ll be able to do all of that and more on a mobile phone. That’s right, no more bus schedules or Map Quests since Google (you’ll see) has damn near perfected Google Maps. I won’t go into detail but cellular phones (or cell phones) will be better than a Dick Tracy watch and everyone will have one.


I hope I’m not boring you...us...you know. Boredom will never be a problem. Currently I’m in the year 2020 and for reasons I won’t get into I’m at home by myself a lot. Between video games (they’re sooo good now) and the massive usage I can get from the internet, I’m always able to look at the vast world around me. There’s never a dull moment.



But I’ll get to the important part, girls. In my 33 years of living, girls have taken an almost lion share of my energy. If you’re anything like me (hehe) it will take up yours too. You’ll probably figure this out (or you know it already) but be yourself. Being me has taken me to places I never thought I’d be. I told you you’re the GOAT and its true. Girls like you now, believe it or not. Girls will continue to like you. If you pan out just as you have been up until 14 you’ll continue to develop people skills, be funny, charming, honest, trustworthy, open, diverse and have a keen eye for things. You’ll still jerk off everyday, don’t get it twisted.



I could probably write you a book on girls but what’s the fun in that? Most of your greatest moments will be failures, even if you do differently than me. Failure is necessary. You will fail countless times in search for your place in life, hopefully everyone will. You being fear averse is going to help you build up courage. At 14, if I remember correctly, I was a little bitch. I wouldn’t even walk up to a girl I liked or say anything. If I could rewrite my life differently and go back to your age, I would fail more. You’ll understand soon. Get out there and experiment. What won’t kill you will give you wisdom. In 2020, with basically a Library of Alexandria at everyone’s fingertips, people are still dumb as fuck. Wisdom will still be scarce.



The only issue I have at 33 is trying to figure out a career path. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m waiting on some unemployment money (as is everyone else, you’ll see) and am about $200 short on rent. Before this period I was working at a restaurant as a server. It’s not as fun as it seems but the money is plentiful and I would honestly recommend you get into this industry before you turn 30. As nice as the industry is its a young man’s game with long shifts that require a lot of energy. Also there’s hella hoes.



I’m 33 now and I’m looking back on the life I’ve had since I was 14. You’re certainly in for a ride, my friend. The best advice I can give is to be you, start a stretching routine now, drink loads of water, shy away from alcohol (believe it or not I drank a lot in my 20s, yuck) and be brutally honest with yourself. Honesty requires a lot of work that you are more than capable of. Being honest coupled with a desire not to intentionally hurt anyone has made me a deity. No matter how much information, entertainment or distraction there will be in this world, being honest is something people can’t download.


Good luck, kid. I hope I was able to help. One last thought on failure. You’re 14, all you have is that time. In 20 years no one will remember your failures. Not you, not the people who saw you, not the ones who judged you or the people who supported you. No one will remember your successes or your failures. Fail a fucking way.




With The Utmost Love and Respect,

33 Year-Old Julian

Arnold Palmer

Here’s everything I know about Arnold Palmer:

He’s from Mt. Lebanon(?) or some Pittsburgh affiliate, he popularized golf and created the golf superstar, his drink is THE SHIT and he’s dead.

If I hear someone talking shit about Arnold Palmer here’s what I know:

He fucked your grandmother in high school. Western PA, motherfucker. Show some respect to the GOAT.